Jesus: The True Story

When he got back, he set up a carpentry shop building heavy duty entry doors.

Jesus, his girl friend Mary Magdalene, and a several of his friends, were out back of his carpentry shop, drinking wine, and smoking one of the marijuana buds that Thomas had pulled off a plant growing in the back corner of Jesus' lumberyard.

The wine was made from raspberries that grew behind Mathew's house, that Paul, and his girl friend Sheila, picked and aged to perfection. Paul had distilled this batch, so it was more of a brandy.

Phillip was playing the flute, Mary a lute, and Luke was working on developing his skills at the one key harp. They were producing some good sounds. John's girl friend, Sarah, had a smooth voice and was singing some popular folk tunes.

Jesus, being a Jew, said, "...This carpentry business sucks; I can hardly make a shekel here. We need to develop a new scam to get money out of those rich Romans and Greeks.

John Said, "I don't know why you continue to build fancy doors; people only need one, then they are done. You should make those comfortable chairs; people will always be buying more. Like here for example; you have two comfortable chairs, and the rest of us are sitting on benches and bricks around the flowerbeds... Wow; I never noticed these white balls, they are a trip.

Jesus said, "Those are poppies; put a little slit on the round-ball part, and then eat the juice that comes out; it will mellow you right out."

Then Jesus changed the topic back to money, "Those rabbis and priests are cleaning up by getting people to donate to their organizations; I could see doing that; it's easy money."

Mathew said, "I could see going in on that with you, Jesus; but how are we going to convince folks to join our church instead of one of the ones already going?"

Jesus said, "That's easy; we'll tell them that our god is the only real god; and we'll improve on the Bosom of Abraham concept, I've been thinking about this for 20 years... We can tell them we have a better place they can go after they are dead; Heaven... The folks that don't give us their 10%; Hell, an awful place awaits them..."

Mathew added, "That sounds like a good scam Jesus, I could fall for that myself. No one wants to die permanently; you are a genius Jesus."

Jesus said, "I know a few magic tricks that could lend creditability to the scam."

Philip added, "Ah, that's a good plan Jesus; look how Moses pulled off the Red Sea illusion."

Mark added, "Heaven can be all music and flowers... No better yet; wine, women, and song; thousands of virgins to play with up there, of course... No offense girls."

Thomas said, "No one will buy that line of crap."

Jesus said, "I"€™m going to try it out Sunday, on the town square."

Mathew said, "No Jesus, every crackpot does the town square; let's do it on the beach. We can all go, to make it look like you already have a bunch of believers. I'll bring some wine and smoke; we'll have fun doing it."

Paul added, "We can all get up and talk for a couple minutes, telling how we believe, and of course we all kick in our 10%. People like a fad; it will be the fad of the century."

Paul's girlfriend burst upon the scene, "Come check it out, I found a bunch of magic mushrooms;"€� they quickly devoured them.

Thomas told her about the heaven and hell concepts before the mushrooms kicked in, and then asked, "...No one would fall for that, would they?"

She said, "I don't know; it sounds good to me; I could see going to that heaven when I die. It probably is real; we just didn't know about it before; maybe not the thousands of virgins concept though."

The poppy juice was hitting John. "It is real, Wow. God is up there in the sky, Ahhhh... He is in the clouds. No; he is gone."

Mathew added, "The imaginary god; wow, that's it! We don't have to display our god, just refer to it. The imaginary creator... No; we can't use the word imaginary; that's a negative, Just the god!"

The mushrooms kicked in so the conversation degraded a discussion of the imaginary animals in the clouds.

Jesus said, "Wow; did you see the way that bird flew across the yard so smooth; it would be a trip to be able to fly."

Mark said, "God is in those clouds, I keep seeing his face; see, there it is again, over there."

The girls were singing, more like scatting, and dancing to the music that Philip, Mary, and Luke were playing.

Judas said, "John your woman's breasts are beautiful. Do you want to trade women for a while?"

A few months later the group was in Jesus' carpentry shop dividing up the Sunday rake.

Jesus said, "Dam John; that was a little heavy on the imagination, about my mother being a virgin; everyone knows my real father is one of the rabbis in the temple where mom was raised..."

John answered, "The folks bought it; it gives you creditability; now you are the son of the imaginary god..."

Mathew added, "It rounds out the whole philosophy, I can see running with that. Between that and the magic tricks you got them gentile fools locked in."

Philip added, "I like it too; now we can come on a lot stronger about the 10%; the credibility, like John said, is a tremendous addition to the philosophy. Now they have to believe the heaven and hell story; god's son said it himself."

Sheila said, "We should build a cool party house, we can legally call it a temple."

Jesus said, "Now that is going a little too far... Yah, maybe, What we need is to get folks in other towns turned on to our religion. The more believers, the better the creditability; people are like sheep, they love a fad."

Paul said, "This is better than a fad; it could go for 2000 years."

Jesus said, "No way; the Romans and Jews may accept it, because it builds on their other religions, but the Greeks will see through it; they are more calculating."

John said, "No; it goes with their Greek gods; it just adds one: the imaginary one."

Mathew corrected him, "I keep telling you; we can't use the term imaginary; it's too negative. Always use heavenly, almighty, invincible, omnipresent, or other positive terms like that."

A couple years later, they were in the huge new party room that Jesus added onto his house when he bought the vacant lot next door. They were sipping on some fine Merlot, while they were counting their shekels into piles on the huge, fancy oak, banquet table that Jesus had his new workers build.

Thomas said, "This new religion is getting a little carried away now; there must be 100,000 fools that fell for it. You need to cool it Jesus; we got the Romans dissed now. They don't like having a religion that rakes in more money per capita than their tax."

Mark added, "Yah, you're in competition with Caesar; you are making him look bad."

Jesus said, "I am the people's god now. The Romans have to accept the fact. I always tell people they have to pay their taxes to the Romans; I'm on the Roman's side."

Paul said, "It's an image problem; you're god, and Caesar is only the emperor; he thinks he is god, or should be a god; you are pushing your luck."

Jesus said, "...He has to put up with us now; we are popular; if he tries to stop the religion, he will have riots to put up with."

Two weeks later, Paul, John, and Mathew were meeting to figure out what to do next.

Paul said, "...Well they killed Jesus; I guess that is the end of our good religion and flow of free money."

Mathew said, "No way; let's have a miracle; we'll go get his body, and secretly put it into a covered cart; and then when all the girls go down to morn this afternoon, we can cremate his body in the pottery oven at my shop. We can say; look he was the real god; he rose from the dead, and took off in the flying chariot he always was talking about."

John added, "I can expound upon that; let's have a meeting in the party room, while the girls are over at the cemetery mourning; we will tell everyone Jesus landed his flying chariot, in the carpentry shop yard, and came to dinner. We can say; Jesus said he will return someday, and take all the good, dead, believers to heaven in a giant flying chariot."

Paul said, "Excellent plan!; we can refine the miracle story this afternoon."

Around 360 years later, the king and a group of monks were discussing the Christian religion. One monk said, "There are too many differing versions of what Jesus said; let's consolidate all the writing that fits our thinking, and then tack it onto the back of the Jewish scriptures; that will give it good creditability..."

The head monk said, "Good idea; let's carefully eliminate all the contradicting writers like Judas, Mary Magdalene, and all the other breakaway groups; even these early writings Jesus made need to be destroyed."

The king, that is taking a big cut from the monks, said, "...You monks are brilliant; there is only one true religion, the one we make money on; so we need to kill all the people that don't kick us their tithe. The non-believers are bad because they don't obey the Ten Commandments too... Let's form a crusade to kill all the non-believers, and as a side benefit we can plunder their assets."

The head monk added, "Let's be sure the crusaders destroy all the writings that disagree with our religion..."

One day the Pope and some cardinals were discussing ways to expand the vaults for gold under the Vatican; one cardinal said, "Maybe we should just start giving the excess gold to the poor people?"

The Pope said, "What are you, some kind of nut; you are x-communicated for having those kinds of thoughts."

Another cardinal said, "The workers are cheap; we can make the monks and priests dig it in deep."

A third cardinal said, "This policy of not letting the priests and nuns get married has had good and bad results; now we get to keep all their property when they die, and this is turning out very good; but now the priests are still screwing the nuns, and producing too many babies, that we have to kill and bury beneath the Vatican."

The pope said, "We can just have the workers dig more vaults. No, let's cremate all of them, that way it can never be a problem in the future."

(Not the actual order of the history.) Eighteen hundred years later, Joseph Smith was having a meeting with his elders, because the local governments do not like some aspects of their evolution of the religion, away from the traditional Christian versions.

Joseph says, "...Let's move to Utah; there is no government out there; we can have hundreds of little girls we call wives."

Deacon Seth adds, "That's a good plan; we can load up about a dozen of those nice Scandinavian blonds for each elder."

Deacon Jake said, "We can hire a few hundred of those freed blacks to move our stuff over there."

Joseph countered, "I don't want a bunch of blacks around; they will breed some of the blue eyed blond girls."

Bishop Jake said, "Okay; we can just kill them all, when we are done with them."

Joseph said, "Good Plan; we can let them build their own little town, then on Thanksgiving we'll give them some poisoned turkeys."

As they were traveling across the desert the Indian guide turned them on to peyote beans, and they purchased a collection to take with them. Once they were settled in Joseph said, "Let's break out those peyote beans."

Joseph ate way too many of them, so his little wives thought he went crazy; they managed to get him locked into his huge bedroom. When he came down, from the hallucinogenic beans, in the morning, and the wives let him out, he said, "I talked to god."€� Then he wrote a book of babbling philosophy trying to update the 1800-year-old Christian scam to his liking. He raised the tithe to 30%, and got free labor for two years out of all the young believers. He also created a rule about leaving your assets to the church when you die, and then you get to go to the really good part of heaven. He liked having many fresh young girls, so he created the rules about having many wives, and sending all the boys away as missionaries, to bring back more wives from the outside. We'll start our own schools and college, so the kids will not be subject to the sinful secular schools, and the awful Catholics."

(Rough view of the concept.) In the early 1980's Pat Robertson said to Ted Turner, "...I know you are an atheist, but I have a real good scam... We can form a partnership... You put up the satellite time, and will provide programming from my TV church, plus from Reverend Schuller, Reverend Baker, and a few more evangelists... We can split the take 50/50..."

Ted Turner said, "Good plan! I have the daytime available on a transponder on AT&T's Satcom-4; it has Playboy, only running on it at night. The cable companies turn their scramblers on at the transition time."

Neither one trusted the other, so they went to the post office together to pick up the money, with their workers. A few years later, Pat Robertson had made enough money to purchase a new, more powerful, transponder on Hughes's Galaxy-1, where he can reach all the cable companies, and keep all the money for himself. Another few years later, he had enough money, and power, to merge with CBS, and control their programming for a while. Now his audience is strong enough to control the thinking of the US Republican party, even though it is illegal for non-profit churches to meddle in politics. "Oh; it's okay; he IS the real god's actual representative; and as a side benefit he doesn't like Muslims, so he will support our efforts, to keep our American oil companies making trillions of dollars in the Middle East."

After many thousands of years of religious evolution, and 2000 years after Jesus, people are still hanging on to the religious myths of their ancestors.

Now, we understand how the universe started with a big bang, billions of years ago, and life on earth has been evolving for billions of years.

So we have to realize the facts: The Bible version of creationism is wrong; The earth did not flood; All the millions of species of animals would not have fit in that 400 foot boat (Noah had no access to the kangaroos and polar bears.); Mary was not a virgin; There is no life after a complete death (You are not special, get over it.)

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